Bastila's Undoing, and Random Conspiracies
by Revan's split personality
Summary: hate sappy romance novels? hate Bastila? Love lottsa humor and conspiracy theories? Then this is the story for YOU! Newly revived! Man, I'm like a story necromancer! AhA!
1. Chapter 1

Mhmm...discalimer where i insist that i don't own anything and beg for the big people with fancy laywers not to sue me...check.

little pre-story author blurb...well, this is my story. it's funny, but not finished. i need to set up my old computer again to begin writing more, so it may be a while, but...well, that's it. Blurb...check.

And now for our feature presentation. -

* * *

'Nikos held her tight in his muscular arms under the silver Naboo moonlight. The soft breeze made her soft hair shift and sway like gentle waves on the beach. He knew that he loved her, with all his heart and soul. They had only met two weeks ago, and he already loved her. He didn't know what it was about her, but she was inescapable. Her beauty was utterly captivating. It was as though she had cast a spell on his very soul.'

Isis cringed at the novel and shut it with disgust. She had never been the type to read Harlequin novels. They were too…beneath her. With an air of superiority, she strode into the center of the Ebon Hawk, waving the book around with extreme prejudice.

"Okay, who brought this filth onto my ship?" Everyone in the small group looked up with confusion. Whether it was genuine confusion or not was the crux of the mystery. Isis tapped her foot impatiently, looking at the novel with derision. She tore her glare away from the 'novel' (if one could call it such), and studied the faces of each of her crewmembers. Carth was genuinely confused, and maybe a little scared. Canderous looked like he felt like this was nothing but a big waste of his time. Jolee and Juhani just shook their heads sadly. Mission obviously had no clue what the book was (good thing, since she was only fourteen), and Isis was pretty sure it was out of Zaalbar's taste, what with him being a Wookie and everything. The droids could be automatically eliminated, since they didn't read books. Besides, HK would probably find it revolting, what with everyone loving each other and having a happy ending and everything. That left…

"Bastila…" Isis muttered under her breath, shooting Bastila a withering glare. Bastila blanched and swallowed hard. Taking a deep breath, Isis addressed the small group. " Well, it seems we have no takers. Hmmm." She paused for a second, sighing. " If this book belongs to you, and you don't want it to be burned to ashes, approach me on your own time." She surveyed the group once again. " Dismissed." The small group dispersed throughout the Ebon Hawk, talking amongst themselves about what had just transpired. Everyone, except Bastila. Isis gave the young Jedi a blank look before sauntering off towards her quarters, holding the book as far away from her as possible, like one would an incredibly disgusting article of garbage. Bastila bit her lip and anxiously got up to follow.

Isis sat on her bunk, the novel on the floor before her. She was reading a datapad on the socio-economical relations of the core planets when Bastila approached her meekly. Isis didn't look up.

" It's yours, isn't it?" Bastila didn't reply. Isis set the datapad down beside her and looked at Bastila with a neutral expression. " I never would have expected that it belonged to you." She paused for a second. "What could ever possess you to read something as sappy as _that_?"

Bastila shot Isis a hostile glare as she picked up the book. " I like them, alright? I don't know _why_, I just do."

Isis took a deep breath. " I thought Jedi weren't supposed to be into the whole 'platonic relationship' thing."

Bastila shrugged. " They never said anything about reading about them."

" Hey, if you want to read that sickeningly-sweet romantic crap, go ahead. Just keep it out of my sight." With that, Isis picked up her datapad and continued reading. With nothing left to say in her own defense, Bastila gathered as much of her composure as she could and walked out.

" Before you go-" Bastila looked back to see Isis still studying her own datapad. "…why not datapads? Do you know how many trees they had to murder to make copies of that crap?"

Bastila snorted derisively before stalking away, clutching her novel to her chest. Isis shook her head slowly, chuckling.

* * *

"What's this?"

Isis looked up lazily as Bastila plopped down a large collection of datapads on the table before her. Isis shrugged and continued to mend her favorite armor. A particularly rowdy Sith had done quite a number on it with his vibroblade.

Bastila picked them up, one-by-one, and read the titles aloud. " 'Pride and Honor: The Hierarchy of the Republic'… 'Religious Implications of Slaughter'… 'How To Cover Up a Conspiracy Plot'… 'How To Plot a Conspiracy'… 'The Art of Pillaging'… 'Mandelorian Torture Techniques'…" Bastila paused at that title, blanching a little. "… 'Politicians of the Century'…why are you reading all these?"

Isis shrugged. " Entertainment." She then pulled a datapad out of her robes' pocket. " How about you tell me about ' Midnight Pleasures' and ' Tatooine Temptation' and 'Once Upon an Alderaan Moon' and-" Isis dropped the datapad as Bastila crushed it with the Force, causing sparks to dance across the metallic floor. Isis shook her head, waggling a finger at Bastila. " Anger leads to the dark side, young one."

Bastila was out of the door before Isis could finish.

" Don't worry! I have more copies of that list!"

Isis chuckled at Bastila's enraged scream and continued to mend her armor.

* * *

" What the hell are you doing, Bastila?" Carth looked at Bastila with confusion and fear. Her clothing was disheveled, her hair was all over the place, and she was twitching like a spice addict. Bastila spun around and gave him a feral look, her left eye twitching. She threw a datapad at him.

" It's a conspiracy! She's starting a conspiracy! Look! LOOK!"

Carth flinched at Bastila's outburst and studied the datapad, if only to avoid Bastila's wrath. " What does this mean? It doesn't make any sense."

Bastila cackled, then stopped abruptly and looked around suspiciously. " Of course it doesn't make sense. It's a conspiracy! You have to _look_, not _read_! LOOK!" Bastila snatched the datapad from Carth's hands and pointed to it. " Look…these are the books Isis has read. These are the top ten books on Bop'Rah's list."

Carth cocked an eyebrow. " None of them are the same."

" EXACTLY!"

Carth patted Bastila sympathetically on the shoulder. " I think you need some sleep."

Bastila flinched and cringed away from Carth. "NO! That's what she wants! When I sleep, she'll send the ravenous squirrels after me! They'll gnaw my eyes out! How can I expose the conspiracy if I can't see?" A faint ding was heard. " Oh, my caffa's done." Bastila got up and stumbled her way to the kitchen area. Carth shook his head.

" She has got _issues_…"

* * *

" So close to the end!" Isis smiled widely as the second last Star Map opened before her. " Only one more to go!"

She made her way quickly back through the Sith tomb, easily disposing of the two masters of the academy. The oppressive tomb door opened to reveal the Korriban sunset. Isis smiled as a wave of fresh air rushed in, and coughed most horribly as it disturbed a great pile of dust and sent it flying through the air. Isis gagged. " EEW! I think I'm breathing in dead people!" She covered her nose and mouth with her robes and walked out.

It was a tough battle in the Sith Academy. In the end, she and Carth managed to slaughter every one of the Sith within the Academy.

Completley exhausted, Carth let out a deep breath of relief. " Thank the Force we managed to convince Dustil to leave the Sith before all this happened."

Isis, cutting down the last of the Sith guards, voiced her concurrence. "Yeah. That would have sucked." She scavenged a nice blaster from the corpse. " Alright, that's it. We should head back to the Ebon Hawk and get going."

" You found the Star Map?"

" Yep!" She smiled widely. " Now all that's left is the map on Manaan. Then we can finish this all."

" Thank the Force…"

They made their way back to the Ebon Hawk. They were met at the ship by the rest of the crewmembers.

" CONSPIRACY!"

Isis cringed. " You know, that's really getting old."

Bastila stalked up to Carth and poked him in the chest. " You're part of the conspiracy! I should have known! That's why you refused to see it when I showed it to you, because you already knew and didn't want to admit you knew because if you did then I would know! Well, I know now so your denying of your knowledge didn't help you!"

Carth just stared at her blankly. " I have no idea what you're talking about."

" CONSPIRACY!" Jolee and Juhani grabbed Bastila and began to drag her back onto the ship.

" LOVE BLOOMING IN THE FIELDS OF NABOO!"

Bastila let loose with a bloodcurdling scream of rage as Isis chuckled. Carth gave her a confused look. " What was that all about?"

Isis shrugged. "Nothing. Nothing at all."

* * *

The hum of the force cages created a symphony of doom within the small room aboard the Leviathan. Isis and Carth's cages were separated by Bastila's. Bastila sat in her cage, hugging her knees as she rocked back and forth, her left eye still twitching. She was mumbling something under her breath, and would occasionally yell out 'conspiracy!' before continuing to mutter. Isis shook her head sadly.

" She really is disturbed, isn't she?"

Carth looked at Bastila sympathetically. " How did that happen to her?"

Isis suppressed an evil smile. " I honestly have no clue."

Carth sighed. " I don't know where she got the idea you were starting a conspiracy."

" Yeah, like I've got the time."

The doors flew open to reveal an older man dressed in a fancy Sith uniform.

" Saul," Carth growled, anger flashing in his eyes.

"CONSPIRACY!" Bastila pointed at Saul and laughed crazily, pulling out some of her hair with the other hand. Saul motioned to a guard.

" Get the mental freak some drugs, would you? Something that'll make her shut up." The guard nodded and walked off. They slipped Bastila some form of sedative strong enough to knock her out.

" Thank you." Isis sighed with relief and rolled her eyes. " Her brain blew a fuse of some sort."

" Whatever." Saul replied. He suddenly perked up. " Now, on with the interrogation. I know that torturing you won't get any information out of your. You will is far too strong to be broken that way. But, even the strongest heroes have trouble watching the one's they care about being hurt. So, every time you refuse to answer a question of give a false answer, I will torture Carth."

" …could you repeat the parameters under which you will torture Carth?"

Saul eyed her suspiciously.

" What? I didn't quite catch it all, that's all!"

" I said that if you refuse to answer a question or give a false answer, I'll torture Carth."

" Ah." She paused for a second. " WHAT? No!"

" ENOUGH! It begins!" Saul cleared his throat. " Where is the secret Jedi Academy located?"

Isis sneered. " That's a dumb question. Malak went there, so you obviously know it's on Dantooine."

Saul cocked an eyebrow. " You're perceptive. You're right. We knew it was on Dantooine, and we have since bombed it to dust."

" NOOOO!" Everyone flinched at Bastila's outcry, especially since she was still unconscious. " CONSPIRACY!"

"Enough!" Saul turned on Bastila's torture field for a couple seconds. " SECOND QUESTION! What were you looking for?"

Isis shrugged. " Star Maps."

" WHY! Why are you telling him this!" Carth glared at Isis. She looked back at him and sighed.

" Trust me, will you? THIRD QUESTION!"

Saul jumped a bit. " **I** get to say that!" With an indignant snort, Saul continued. " THIRD QUESTION! How did you find the Star Maps?"

" Well, we stumbled across one on Dantooine, which you have probably destroyed. It showed other planets, so we extrapolated the meaning was that those other planets each held their own Star Map and decided to check it out."

Saul glared at her. " That's not right!" Carth yelled in agony as his torture field was activated. " Now tell me how you found them!"

" Visions! I have vision! There was one where everything was burning! It was so very hot…the wind was hot…" the author laughs and wonders how many people who are reading this have seen Esca Flowne

" Well, you've been most helpful, but I think I'll leave now. Lord Malak will be most pleased to hear this information, and he'll most likely want to torture you for his own twisted pleasure."

" If he wants twisted pleasure, he should try torturing himself. _That_ would be truly twisted." Isis snickered to herself as Saul shot her a glare.

" I'll leave you with a small taste of what's to come." All of their torture fields were activated as Saul sauntered out of the room.

" CONSPIRACY!"

Their screams of pain were eventually gone as they passed out from the pain.

It was a while later when Isis awoke.

" Don't try to move too quickly. They tortured you even after you passed out."

Isis looked at Bastila, who seemed to have chilled out a lot. She managed to sit up, and looked over to Bastila. " You seem…more calm."

Bastila nodded. "Yeah. But the news of Dantooine is disturbing. It's strange we didn't sense something. That's bad news."

Isis cocked an eyebrow in confusion. " …were you actually unconscious?"

" No."

" Damn." Isis sighed tiredly.

" I only wish you didn't tell him so much. Who knows what implications it will have on the galaxy."

Isis sneered. " Well, it's not like I wanted Carth to suffer needlessly."

" I appreciate your…feelings…for Carth-"

" If anyone would, it'd be you. Would you like me to write a sappy novel about it and lend it to you?"

" What?" Carth was completely confused. Isis smiled sweetly at him

" Nothing. Nothing at all."

Bastila's face was beet-red with a mixture of embarrassment and anger. " You shouldn't let your emotions get the best of you! It will lead you down the path to the dark side!"

" Look who's talking! It didn't matter what I said anyway!"

" What do you mean?" Bastila narrowed her eyes at the older, and undeniably more powerful, Jedi.

" He already knew the answers to the questions. It was quite obvious, since he said he'd torture Carth if I 'either refused to answer or gave him a false answer'. How would he be able to know if my answer was false, unless he already knew the answers?"

Everyone was quiet. Bastila's left eye began to twitch.

" Guess what, Bastila?" Bastila looked at her suspiciously. " I think we're caught in the middle of a conspiracy."

" CONSPIRACY!"

Carth just watched on, completely confused as to what had just transpired.

* * *

" What? You don't remember? Mwahahahaa!" Malak cackled most evilly in his metallic voice. Isis looked at him like he was a retard.

" Remember what, cueball?"

" I would have thought that you'd figure it out by now! Haven't any of the memories floated to the surface yet…Revan?"

Isis' eyes went blank as she had her little epiphany of self-realization. " Oh my god…it's true, isn't it Bastila?"

Bastila nodded sheepishly.

" Why the bloody HELL didn't you TELL ME? Even on the frickin' BRIDGE HERE! Oh, you just _had_ to wait until we were face to face with metal jaw here, didn't you?" Isis motioned to Malak, who furrowed his eyebrows. " Were you even planning on telling me at all? You weren't, were you?"

" It wasn't up to me! The Council forbade me to tell you! It was too dangerous!"

" So you were just gonna let me live the rest of my life without know who the hell I was or where all those stupid memories were coming from?"

" I'm sure the Council would have told you after all this was finished!"

Malak crossed his arms and began to tap his foot impatiently on the floor, rolling his eyes. Carth did pretty much the same thing.

" I'm sure they would have waited for me to either die on this stupid mission, or would have sacrificed me to their pagan gods after I returned! It's a Jedi conspiracy against me!"

" CONSPIRACY!" Bastila began to foam at the mouth. Isis sneered at her, then turned to Malak. " Let's make a deal. You can have Bastila if you let us get the hell outta here."

Malak thought about it for a second. " I don't know…that Bastila seems defective."

" If you get her a healthy supply of crappy romance novels and a tub of chocolate ice cream, I'm sure she'll be fine."

Malak shrugged. " Fine. But, if you're lying to me…" He pointed at Isis menacingly. She held her hands up in a conciliatory manner.

" I'm not lying, don't worry. She just has…episodes…if someone mentions the word 'conspiracy'."

" CONSPIRACY!" Bastila screamed, and started clawing at the walls. " I want out of this box! I'm claustrophobic! The walls are closing in! THEY'RE GETTING CLOSER! MOMMY! Don't let them TOUCH ME!" She then curled up in a ball on the floor and began sobbing.

" Uh, yeah. Don't say that word." Isis shrugged. " Everything'll be fine after she has some time to chill. Don't worry. Then you can do whatever the hell you want to her. I don't care." She shook hands with Malak and motioned for Carth, who was completely horrified at what had just transpired, to follow her. " Never liked her anyway." Isis gave Bastila a derogatory glare on the way by, then made her way to the Ebon Hawk unopposed. Carth suddenly halted and refused to budge.

" We have to go back and get Bastila. I can't believe you'd just trade her away like that!"

" Listen, Carth, no matter what I did, Malak would have ended up capturing Bastila. It's in the script." Carth gave her a suspicious look. " Of destiny. The script of destiny. Would you rather we had to waste time _arguing_ and _fighting_ when all I had to do was broker a deal with baldy back there?" Carth was silent. " Okay then. Let's go."

" How do you know that's what would have happened?"

Isis paused for a second, staring blankly at a wall opposite her. " The Force tells me things." She stared for a couple more seconds before shaking her head and continuing on her way to the Ebon Hawk, Carth following willingly this time. Well, to an extent.

* * *

" Wait…you're Revan? I don't believe this!" Mission stared at Isis incredulously. " Wow. This is…this is big! Do you remember a lot?"

" Naw. Just annoying little blips once and a while. And this weird thing where I was arguing with Malak over a color scheme. But that's it."

" That's it? Just a few little things here and there? Well, then I don't think it really matters. I don't see the Dark Lord of the Sith here, I see a friend who's been with us through think and thin."

" What are you talking about, Mission? Of course it matters!" Carth spat out angrily. " We've been fighting Malak, and this whole time his master has been right here with us! Listening to our plans!"

" Your argument, while logical, has one fatal flaw, Carth. Namely the fact that I'm the one who comes up with most of the plans." Nobody argued the point. " Now, I still want to 'destroy' the Star Forge."

" Why did you make quotation marks with your fingers when you said 'destroy'?" Carth asked suspiciously. Isis paused.

" Uhh…It's fun." She cleared her throat uncomfortably and continued. " Now, who's with me? Canderous?"

" I'm your man until the end, Revan."

" Mhmm. T3?"

" Beebooplewhooplebeep!"

" I knew the little guy would be with you. Droids don't hold grudges." Mission smiled and patted T3, who whirred happily in response.

" Jolee?"

" I already knew who you were."

" WHY THE HELL DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?"

Everyone stared at Isis wide-eyed. Jolee cleared his throat before continuing. " I knew you'd find out sooner or later, whether the Jedi Council wanted you to or not. Anyways, I stayed because I want to see what your destiny is."

" Okay, whatever. Juhani?"

" You're nothing like the Revan I knew."

" I'm going to have to cut you off there due to the lack of my interest." Juhani stared at her, mouth agape. " How 'bout you, HK?"

" Statement: Something strange is happening to me, Master."

" Need an antacid?"

" Statement: You humor is lost on me, Master. It seems that my memory would restore itself upon…upon returning to my original Master."

" You mean Revan…me?"

"Statement: Yes, Master. My full functionality is available and ready for your use, master."

" Whee. Zaalbar?"

" :I don't care what they call you. It's your actions that speak about who you are.:"

" Whoo. Hows about you, Carth? Will you help me to 'destroy' the Star Forge?"

" You did it again."

" Oh. Oops." Isis smiled sheepishly and clasped her hands together behind her back. " Will you help?"

Carth sighed. " I guess I don't have much of a choice. As long as you stay true to this mission, I'll help. But I will not allow you to betray the Republic."

" Again." Juhani added in. Isis shot her a death glare.

" Fair enough, Carth." Isis forced a smile. " Let's get on with it then, shall we? Next destination: Manaan!"

" Where's Bastila?" Juhani asked, looking around.

" Long story short, she was captured by Malak." Isis said, shrugging with indifference. Juhani gasped in horror.

" What are we going to do without Bastila?"

" Live happy lives?" Isis retorted, raising her eyebrows. Juhani began to sputter a response, but couldn't choke anything out. She stalked off to her quarters which were all of three feet away from where she was standing, and sat down to meditate.

" Gleeful Exclamation: Oh, it is so good to see you again, master! Statement: I was afraid you were going soft for a while."

" Bleh. I came close. Too close for comfort." Isis shuddered. " My life was like the creepy beginning part of a stupid Bastila novel."

" Query: A Bastila novel, master?"

" Yes, a Bastila novel. You know, a Harlequin romance novel, where everyone is like, 'ooh, I love you!' and the other person is like 'hmm, I love you too' and stuff? It's really stupid. Everyone's always happy in the end. It's stupid."

" Statement: I must agree with you, master. It does, in fact, sound stupid and meatbag-like."

" Definitely." Isis glanced around to make sure they were alone. " That's why I'm plotting to rid the galaxy of them."

HK didn't seem to be too thrilled with the prospect. " Query: Why would you waste your valuable time on such an unworthy task, master, when you could just kill everyone who reads them?"

" Because," Isis replied, studying her fingernails. " they are _addictive_, or so I've heard. How anyone could get hooked on something as moronic as sappy love novels, I don't know, but it's addictive nonetheless. My goal here is not to kill people, but to cause them unending suffering. Now, I have researched this and have found that the number of people who read these books is stupidly large. If we get rid of these books, it will cause all those people extreme emotional pain. Then, they shall spread their pain to those they surround themselves with, which will cause the suffering to spread like ripples in a pond, until everyone in the galaxy is suffering because of it."

" Exclamation: Brilliant, master! I shall enjoy helping you with this task! Query: Shall I begin hunting now?"

" No. We must wait until we have seized the Star Forge."

" Query: Why, master?"

" You'll see." An evil grin spread across Isis' face. " You'll see."


	2. w00t! teh 2nd chapter!

**Bastila's Undoing and Random Conspiracies: Chapter TWO!**

Disclaimer: In the faintest of hopes that this would actually amount to ANYTHING if George Lucas ever decided to take me to court (which it most likely wouldn't), I am obliged to say that I do not own these characters. They are the property of….something. Someone. George Lucas. I dunno. All I know is that they sure don't belong to me, and I hope that George Lucas is magnanimous enough to let me use them without suing me.

* * *

"Finally…" Isis muttered under her breath as she watched the final Star Map open. Swirly lights shot out everywhere and then curved together to show the route to a certain point that looked to be in the middle of nowhere. Shrugging, she took a picture and jotted down the coordinated given on a waterproof data pad, seeing as how she was at the bottom of the Manaan ocean and all. She sighed and watched the bubbles from her environment suit bobble and twitch their way to the surface. "How fun." She commented blandly before continuing on her way back to the demented secret Republic station. On the way across the bridge, she gave the humungous firaxin shark a friendly wave. "That's one huge mother-" She cut herself off as she ran into the guard rail and almost fell over. After a moment of flailing, she caught her balance and sat down, breathing heavily. "I am so glad no one else was here to see that…" After that, she watched where she went and nothing exciting happened. 

She tapped her foot impatiently, waiting for the airlock to pump out all the water so she could get out of the stupid suit. It made her feel like a poufy fat person made of mustard. It really was a horrible color. She flinched at the high-pitched bleep that signalled that it was safe to continue on into the next chamber. "Thank god!" She threw off the suit haphazardly and kicked it while it was down. She briefly fixed her hair (nothing is worse than having environment-suit hair) and then sauntered through to the next room where Carth and Jolee were waiting anxiously. The moment she walked through the door Carth began throwing questions at her like they were ICMs.

"Did you find it? Was it there? What was that big explosion? Are you okay? You look a bit pale. What took you so long? How-"

"Carth, shut the hell up." She sighed and handed him the data pad. "There's some random coordinates it gave me. I'm guessing it leads to somewhere. Hopefully. I have to seize- I mean, destroy- the Star Forge."

Carth stared at the coordinates in puzzlement. "These coordinates lead to the middle of nowhere."

"Or, perhaps they lead to the middle of everywhere." Jolee stated cryptically.

"Or perhaps," Isis added, " they lead to a fountain of chocolate. Either way, we should check it out."

"Wait!" Carth grabbed her by the arm. "First, we need to talk."

"Oh, I have to use the bathroom!" Jolee all but yelled in a very suspicious way. "Geez, old age'll do that to you! My bladder has the strength of a worn-out elastic band!"

Isis gave him a strange look. "Erm…we'll just pretend that that made sense and…er…wish you well with your stretched-out bladder."

Jolee put on a huge, fake smile and waved. "Okay! I think I saw a bathroom back _this_ way." With that, he scurried down the hall.

Isis shook her head slowly. "That has got to be the strangest thing I have ever seen."

(The authoress screams and viciously beats her computer for shitting out on her and losing everything she had previously written from this point on…the authoress shall do her best to remember what the hell it was she wrote previously while continuing to refer to herself in the third person, just because she gets a kick out of it.)

Isis (who shall be referred to as 'Revan' henceforth) turned back to Carth, who looked quite nervous. "What is it Carth?"

"I..uh.." He ran his fingers through his hair nervously. "I think it' time we talked about you being Revan."

"Oh. Okay then." Revan replied nonchalantly while inspecting her nails. The proceeding silence was broken when Carth cleared his throat. Revan sighed. "Well, I suppose you want me to be the one to start this, eh? I suppose it's fitting, seeing as how I'm _Revan_ and all…well Carth, what do you think of that?"

She could tell that he had been rehearsing the conversation over in his head before when they were walking in the Selkath-infested halls. She told him to stop mumbling to himself multiple times. It seemed, however, that his metaphorical 'train of thought' had left the station without any passengers, if you get what I mean.

Finally, the awkward silence was broken. "I can't hate you. I…I tried, but I just can't."

Revan walked over to Carth and patted him on the back. "Perhaps you're just not trying hard enough?"

He threw his hands up in the air in angered exasperation. "You know, I don't know _why_ I even try to have a conversation with you sometimes!"

She mimicked his reaction, throwing her own hands in the air and scoffing. "Me neither, really! I mean, _damn_! You'd think you would've gotten it by now, but _noooo! _You just have to keep on trying, don't you?" She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow at him coolly. "Perhaps we shouldn't talk about it right now, hmmm?" He glared daggers at her before stalking out of the room.

"Hating you is becoming a lot easier right about now, you know that?" He called back over his shoulder.

She shrugged, an evil grin spreading across her face. "All part of the plan, luv." She let out a dark chuckle before sauntering out after him.

* * *

Revan stopped and took in the sight of the massive stone door in front of her. She put her hand up to the cold, black stone and it instantly began the process of opening. The inner pillars dropped down while the outer pillars flew up, causing ancient dust to fly everywhere. Revan, Jolee and Juhani all covered their eyes and waited for things to settle a bit before continuing on. They had made it to the top of the temple where the controls for the force field surrounding the planet were located. They squinted as the sunlight hit their faces. 

"Ugh, it burns…" Revan grumbled, holding a hand up to block the light. She could only imagine what it'd be like for Juhani, what with her Cathar super-seeing. For all she knew, it could have been easier for Juhani to cope. Not that that really mattered at all. All that mattered was that everything went as planned.

They walked along a bit to find that Bastila, clad completely in Dark Jedi regalia, arms akimbo. She seemed quite displeased.

"What the bloody hell took you guys so long? I've been standing up here, in the _direct sunlight_, wearing _all black_, for about three hours now!"

"HEY!" Revan pointed at her menacingly. "Don't try to blame your stupidity on us! You could have easily _walked into some shade_ right over _there_." She pointed to a spot about three feet away from where Bastila was standing. "Stupid shithead." She scowled at her former companion. _Meh. I never really liked her_. She thought to herself. Juhani, on the other hand, seemed to be in a moronically hopeful mood.

"Quick, Bastila! Come with us before Malak finds out you're here!" She ran up and grabbed Bastila by the arm, who wrenched herself out of the Cathar's grasp, eyes full of disgust.

"You don't understand. I've pledged my allegiance to the Dark Lord." She spat at Jolee, who scurried back to Jolee and Revan.

"Psh." Revan scoffed. "I always knew you were weak."

Bastila raised an eyebrow. "Oh, I endured the torture for weeks in the empty serenity of a true Jedi. But after a while I began to realize the truth of what Lord Malak was saying."

"Yeah yeah, blah blah blah Jedi puppet, blah blah blah…the dark side's fun, blah blah blah…can we skip the theatrics and get straight to the fighting already? It's bloody fucking hot up here."

Bastila seemed momentarily taken aback, but quickly regained her composure. Without another word, she pulled out a red double-bladed lightsaber almost identical to Revan's own. She pulled out her lightsaber, as did Jolee and Juhani. And they fought. Oh, they fought indeed.

Bastila immediately immobilized Jolee and Juhani with the Force and went directly for Revan, who expertly parried all her foe's jabs and slashes and whatever the hell else you can do with a lightsaber.

ZWOOM-FWOOM-SLASH-ZING-VWOOM!

Revan used a well-aim Force push that threw Bastila back and into a wall. She quickly pulled out a medpack and used it where a blow had gotten through and left a long gash in her left forearm. She grimaced and glared at Bastila, who had managed to get to her feet. She stood unsteadily, a sly smile on her face.

"It would seem that you're still as powerful as ever, Revan. Perhaps even more powerful than you ever were before." Revan didn't reply. "You might even be strong enough to kill Malak. If we work together, we could rule the galaxy! Think about it Revan- once, long ago, you defied the Jedi council and took the power that was rightfully yours! You are the true Lord of the Sith."

There was a long and very tense silence, and all eyes were on Revan who was staring at the ground. When she finally looked up, her eyes were empty and expressionless. She regarded Bastila coldly.

"Be that as it may, I would never even consider ruling the galaxy with someone as pitiful as you." She got into the battle stance once again and prepared to fight again. "I hope you're ready to die."

Bastila used the Force to draw her lightsaber back to her hand and, in a surprising turn of events, buggered off at light speed to the ship behind her and took off. Revan was too stunned to even try chasing her. She stared into the darkening sky.

"Jolee?"

"Yes?"

"…what the hell just happened?"

Jolee sighed. "She ran away to the dark side."

Revan shook her head in amazement. "What a pussy."

* * *

­­­­­­­­­­­ 

How true. How true. What is Revan's plan and how does Carth fit into it? I DON'T KNOW YET! But it will soon be revealed in the next instalment of… BASTILA'S UNDOING AND RANDOM CONSPIRACIES!


	3. the third and not final chapter

-1DISCLAIMER: I don't own things. Go away.

Revan, Jolee and Juhani made their way back to the Ebon Hawk in silence. They came upon the beach they were stranded on to find the rest of the group lounging around in beach attire. Revan hissed and dashed to the shade the Ebon Hawk provided. She waited for Jolee and Juhani to catch up before clearing her throat in an authoritative manner to gain the attention of her minions- crewmates. Sorry about that. The scurried up and gathered around her, all shouting out random questions. Revan's face grew red with anger and annoyance.

"You can all shut the hell up now!" They did. She took a deep, calming breath and continued. "Questions shall be asked in the order of alphabetical order using first names."

"Interjection: Observation: That sentence was horribly awkward, Master. Perhaps you should save the massacre of the Basic language until _after _our current quest is over."

"Exclamation: Shut the hell up you tard!" Revan retorted angrily. HK responded with a meek 'yes Master', and Revan continued down her path of sentence massacring. "Alright, after the comment that so rudely was made by HK my minion droid, the questions that were going to be asked by the person of alphabetical superiority based solely upon the first name shall now commence."

The small group turned and conversed with each other. Mission stood in the middle and counted people off on her fingers.

"There's me and Zalbaar, Jolee, Juhani, Carth, Canderous, and screw the droids." T3 whirplebooped in annoyance. Mission gave him a sharp kick to the side of his head-like robotic appendage before continuing. "That means that Canderous goes first, then Carth, Jolee, Juhani, me, and Zalbaar can fight to the death about who goes second."

"Or," Carth said loudly, "we couldn't, and we could just continue with the alphabetical order thing."

Mission snorted. "Sure, if you want to be boring, fine." Everyone agreed before turning back to Revan, who had begun to apply a thick line of black eyeliner. She looked up from her compact mirror, snapping it shut.

"Who's the first tard?"

Canderous stepped forward. "Right…when's supper?"

Revan backhanded him harshly. "You've just been served. Who's next?" She barked, her voice lined with acid that burned. BURRRNED! Carth cleared his throat and got into character, still trying to shake some sand from his swim trunks.

"Uhhh….line." He whispered to Mission, who kicked him in response. He let out a little yelp before turning back to Revan. He gave his surroundings a quick look. "Hey…where's Bastila?"

Revan shrugged. "She's a Sith now. NEXT!"

"Whoah, wait." Carth totally messed up the alphabetical, one-question rule by interjecting. "What do you mean she's a Sith now?"

"Uhh…I really don't know how I could have phrased that any clearer, Carth." Revan stated blankly. "She's a Sith now. That's it. That's all. End of story." There was a moment of silence before Carth spoke up again.

"Wait…so you're telling me that Bastila is a Sith now?"

"No, I'm telling you that Bastila is a Sith now." Revan said, clearly getting more annoyed as time went by. "What's so hard to understand?"

"But-" Carth stammered. "Bastila is Bastila! The stodgy stuck-up Jedi bitch! How could she become a Sith? Does not compute!" Carth yelled while grabbing the sides of his head. "Carth no understand!"

Revan rolled her eyes and pulled a bottle of chloroform and her chloroform rag out of her awesome Star Forge robes. She wet the rag and covered Carth's nose and mouth with it until he passed out and fell to the sand. Revan tucked her instruments of unconsciousness back into her awesome robes and smiled.

"He looks so innocent when he's sleeping. We should draw something embarrassing on his face." She grinned wickedly while pulling out a black Sharpie marker. Jolee put a hand on her arm and shook his head.

"We have more pressing matters to attend to."

"What? I thought we got all the laundry done while we were buggering around in the Ancient's temple thingy!" She exclaimed, rather dismayed. Jolee sighed.

"We did, but I stored one of my suits wrong and it's all wrinkly now. We'll have to press it again."

"NO! I'll BURN the stupid thing! Ugh…let's just go to the stupid Star Fork."

"Forge." Juhani corrected.

"What?" Revan spun to face the Cathar, who smoothed out her robes. "Don't touch me!" Revan screeched while hitting Juhani's hands away from her. Juhani looked dismayed and ran after her own hands. (ahh…the English language is a wonderful thing, isn't it? Especially when left to one's own interpretation. But enough of that silliness.) Revan smoothed her own robes (much more expertly than Juhani ever would have been able to). "Right. Star Forge. That's what I said." With that, she sauntered onto the ship, using the Force to drag Carth behind her. Everyone else followed suit, who just happened to be following Revan.

(Right. Like I said, enough of that silliness. That's just too silly. Too many cookies for me O.o)

"Blah blah blah Star Forge, blah blah blah losing, blah blah blah need your help." Admiral Dodonna garbled on about military crap to Carth, who garbled back.

"Blah blah blah Bastila evil, blah blah blah we'll help, blah blah blah waffles for breakfast." They both laughed about something and the holographic image of Dodonna disappeared. Carth piloted the Ebon Hawk with grace and skill and whatnot until they managed to board the Star Forge. Revan practically kicked the loading bay door down before barrelling off into a small group of Dark Jedi neophytes, who seemed to be having a nice spot of tea with their Jedi counterparts.

"BONZAIIIIIII!" She chopped the lot of them ('tehm' referring to the Dark Jedi neophytes) clean in half before cackling maniacally and continuing on, leaving her minions-crewmates (pardon me) biting her proverbial dust. They decided to let her do her own thing and set up a card table. Jolee motioned to the small group of nearby Jedi.

"I think she'll be fine. How would you young twerps like to have your asses whipped at a game of poker?" The Jedi eagerly accepted the challenge.

"Wait…where did Revan get those robes from if this is the first time we've been in the Star Forge?" Carth questioned to no one in particular. HK's vocabulator twitched out, almost making it sound like he was clearing his throat.

"Explanation: In our travels, Master had befriended what she referred to as 'HAXORZ'. They were the ones who procured Master's current attire."

"Should've guessed." Carth mumbled before throwing a couple of chips into the pot. "Are you really supposed to add these to chicken noodle soup, Mission?" She gave him a sharp poke in the ribs with a pointy stick she had found on the beach area.

"Keep dumping those chips in the pot, or it'll be a sharp, pointy fate for you." Zalbaar laughed most heartily. Carth was dismayed.

"REVAN! Mission's holding me at sharp stick point!" He wailed.

"You have a blaster, you moron!" Was the faint, yet distinguishable reply. Revan huffed impetuously at Carth's stupid interruption, then continued her massacre. She was running around then she sliced into someone who fell to the ground.

"ARGH!" screamed the previous sentence, its substance slowly oozing onto the cold metallic floor of the Star Forge. "My verb tense…present, then suddenly past…" With that, it died. Ed. Died'ed. Revan gave it a parting kick before running off, presumably to murder some more sentences. I mean, Sith. Sithentences. Eventually, she hacked her way to a confrontation with Bastila. Angsty music was playing in the backround, and Bastila was sitting in the floor writing dark, angsty, undeniably crappy poetry about the futility of life and other crap like that. Revan strode up to her and laughed.

"You are most pitiful, Bastila."

Bastila glared up at Revan through the bangs that covered her eyes. "You'll never understand the pain I've been through! No one understands me!" She began to sob while continuing to write crappy poetry. Revan rolled her eyes while trying to control the urge to vomit in her own mouth. It truly was a pitiful sight. She gave Bastila a sharp kick to the side.

"Hurry up and get out your lightsaber so I can fight you and kill you." Revan ignited her own lightsaber and got into a ready stance, itching for a challenge. Bastila just started crying more and writing even crappier poetry.

"My life is pitiful! I'm worthless! I can't do anything write!" She sobbed woefully. Revan proceeded to vomit in her own mouth. She gagged for a while after that, then finally regained her composure.

"Your moral fibre really has degraded, hasn't it." She stated. "You even speak the wrong spelling of a word! You're pitiful!" Revan spat on Bastila before turning off her lightsaber and stalking off. She was at the door that would inevitably lead her to Malak (it had a sign above it that said 'DO NOT ENTER! MALAK'S ROOM!' and then some stupid looking skull and crossbones which made Revan vomit in her mouth yet again), but stopped right before entering, a mischievous glint in her eyes.

"Too bad you'll never fully understand…the _conspiracy_." Revan almost whispered the last words, but Bastila had caught all of it. She began to twitch spastically. A cruel smile found its way to Revan's face and made it's home on her lips. Complete with a two-car garage of evilness.

"CONSPIRACY! I KNEW IT!" Bastila squealed, tearing out her hair. Revan watched as Bastila flailed around for a while longer before finally falling still, most likely due to exhaustion. She was _really_ flailing. Like, with reckless abandon. Revan laughed and continued on.

Well, I'm tired and done typing this chapter. I'm tired. Damn insomnia. I'll update again soon (hopefully). I think that the whole atmosphere was kinda changed in this chapter, but I had, like, ten cookies, so give me a break. Review if you want. If you don't want to, don't review. That was probably obvious, though. I'm gonna cut myself short now. Bye!


	4. Revan p0wns

**Bastila's Undoing and Random Conspiracies: Chapter Four**

**Disclaimer:** See previous chapters.

URRGH! It's ALIVE!! BWAAAHAHAHAHAAA!! (continues to cackle madly)

* * *

Revan bashed the door to Malak's room down and sauntered in. Malak was laying on his bed, talking into a pink cordless phone while twirling some of the hair of the wig he was wearing. It was long, blonde, and curly.

"Yeah, so I totally told Jeanelle that she was, like, so rude to me, and, like, such a, like, bitch. She's almost, like, as bad as, like, Revan, like, was, like. You know what I, like, mean? Oh my god, did you see what Brittany was wearing today? It, like, screamed 'whore'! I know!!"

Revan cleared her throat impatiently. Malak spun his head around and scoffed while rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, I, like, gotta go Emily. My previous master is, like, here to fight me or, like, something. You should totally do my hair tomorrow for the dance! I know! Oh my god!" Revan cleared her throat again, most annoyed. "Right. Bye! TTYL!!" Malak pushed a button and set the phone down on the side table which was covered in My Little Pony ™ paraphernalia. It was quite disturbing. He jumped off the bed and flung the wig to the side.

"Ah, Revan. I knew you'd eventually make it this far!" He chuckled maniacally.

"You know," Revan sighed. "After that whole tween girl conversation, coupled with that creepy blonde wig and skanky hot-pink dress you're currently wearing, you're no longer very intimidating." She shrugged and walked up to him. "And who the hell did your makeup? You look like a penny whore."

Malak crossed his arms and scoffed. "Right. Like you could do any better."

"Totally! Look at my makeup! Totally classic with the black eyeliner and smokey black eyeshadow! You can't beat that with electric whore blue." She pointed to a small case of eyeshadow which was labelled 'Electric Whore Blue'. "I mean, what did you expect!? You look like Barbie™ on steroids, except more proportional."

"Ugh! That's it! You are TOTALLY going down!" Malak squealed angrily before storming off, wiggling his hips in a most disturbing manner. He got over to an elevator door, killed two random people, and left. "You can totally deal with my robots!"

"You didn't follow my Bastila care instructions either, did you?? DID YOU!?" Revan shook her fist violently at the closed elevator doors, which flinched in ph3ar.

As soon as Malak had left, large robot-making machines started humming ominously. Revan looked around nervously. "Oh shit…" She pulled out her lightsaber as the machines got to work. Large bolts of lightning came down from them, producing robots. "The hell!?" Revan cried out. "How does that work!?" She heard little mechanical legs scraping against the metal of the floor, the sounds getting closer….and closer….and…

"KYAAAA!!" Revan spun around and chopped one of the robots in half. The huge mechanical Barney looked up at her, mechanical tears of oil in its eyes.

"I love you, you…..love…meeeee…" It went still as the last of its electricity drained out in flashing sparks. Revan cackled.

"I hate you Barney!! I'll kill you!!" She began to cut through the huge swarm of Barney robots until she was literally wading through the wreckage.

"Why the hell do you keep coming!?" She screeched as she cut down five more. She took a quick look around the room and saw that every robot producing machine has its own console. "Oh. That." She held her hand up and fried all of them instantaneously with Force Lightning. The Barney Plague was finally over. "Phew. On with the plot, which I'm not completely sure even exists! What am I doing here again?" She paused for a moment, scratching her head. "Right. Seizing the Star Fork. Fudge. Fondue." She made her way over to the elevator and climbed in. "Hmm…up." She pressed the corresponding pink fuzzy arrow and waited, impatiently tapping her foot. "Ugh. This is the worst elevator music I've ever heard."

_Old McDonald had a dog and Bingo was his name-o_

_B-I-NGO_

_B-I-NGO_

_B-I-NGO _

_And Bingo was his name-o!_

She resorted to banging her head against the walls until the elevator came to a halt. The door glided open and Revan strode into the room, slightly disorientated and bleeding profusely from a deep flesh wound on her forehead. "I hope he doesn't mind all the blood in there...I don't think that'll ever come out of that sparkly Jessica Simpson brand shag carpet." Malak was sitting in a pink fuzzy chair, waiting for her. Thenkfully, he had changed back into his default Sith Lord garb. He got up and walked down to meet his nemesis, swishing his half-cape thing ominously.

"Ah, Revan. So we meet again. I didn't think you were strong enough to beat my Barney army, but I guess I've underestimated you again."

Revan smiled as she stood unsteadily. "Yeah. Um…yeah. Can I kill you now? I think I need a Band-Aid."

Malak's shoulders sagged. "You don't want to hear my awesome speech of doom? I spent so long practicing it in front of the mirror…"

Revan shrugged. "I don't want to hear it. Knowing you, it's probably full of horrific grammatical errors of doom. And baldness. And jawlessness. And 'Electric Whore Blue' eyeshadow. And-"

"ENOUGH!" Malak roared as he pulled out his red-bladed lightsaber. Revan pulled out hers and the fight began. And ended rather quickly, since Malak began to whine about a broken nail.

"Oh my god, you just GURK!" He fell to the ground after Revan had removed her blade from his midsection. He looked up at her. "It would seem that you've become the master once again, Revan."

"Damn straight." She smiled evilly. "Little do you know that this is just the beginning! I'm not a huge fuck-up like you, so I'm going to actually take over the galaxy! It's a shame you won't be alive to see it. No, wait, it's not. Nevermind." Revan shrugged and walked off, leaving Malak to die by himself. She was just about to burn the pink chair to ash when Carth randomly burst in, panting.

"Heh….heh…Revan…-GASP-…came as quickly….-huff puff-….as I could!"

"Oh! Hey Carth!" Revan smiled widely. "Did you come here to help celebrate the fact that the Star Fudge is now under new management? I have Twinkies and rootbeer!" She pulled a package of Twinkies out from somewhere in her robes and waved them about. "Deliciousness incarnate!" Carth's face had gone ashen, and he looked quite disturbed.

"Wha-what do you mean, 'new management'?"

Revan rolled her eyes as she took a bite out of a Twinkie. "New management, as in _me_. Dumbass. Just for that, you only get one Twinkie." She scowled at him while poking at Malak's corpse with a pointy stick. "And you have to go to bed at seven."

Carth glared at her. "It's already about ten at night."

"Not in _my_ galaxy it isn't!" She snapped her fingers and a group of five spider-like robots appeared out of nowhere. "Take our guest to the guest room where the guests stay as guests. And lock the door. Many times." She snapped her fingers again, and they dragged Carth off, who was still angry and confused at the current circumstances. Revan shrugged as she opened up another Twinkie. "I deserve this…HK!!" HK appeared out of nowhere, as was the custom in the Star Forge. "I want to see the rest of the crew of the Ebon Hawk up here in less than five minutes! And drag Bastila in here too. Just make sure her hands are tied and there's duct tape over her mouth. I can't stand her now that she's turned so bloody emo." Revan shook her head slowly. "He should have listened to me. She wouldn't be so bad now if he had just given her a tub of Ben and Jerries and some of those pathetic romance novels." She sighed, but perked up quickly. "Oh well. I gots mah pointy stick and mah Malak corpse! Time to have some good ol' fashioned corpse poking fun!" With that, she walked over and started poking Malak's eye. "Teehee!!"

She continued doing this for four more minutes, at which point she keeled over from blood loss due to the forgotten flesh wound on her forehead. HK-47 bounded back into the room, the entire crew (except Carth, of course), chained together and gagged, being dragged behind him.

"Exclamation: I found the pathetic meatbags you ordered me-...Master?"

"..._gurk_..."

"Statement: Master, I do not believe you have time to be keeled over from blood loss. Shall I put these meatbags in the same cell as the other, whiney orange one?"

"..._urrrrrg_..."

"Conjecture: I'll...do that then, Master."

"..._gaaaaaaah_..."

With that being decided, HK-47 dragged the others away, out of the room.

"..._heeeeeelp..._"

* * *

R&R! XP 


	5. Old Frenimies

Yeah, I know, I know! It's been a while, I know! Just to ease your mind a bit, I've already got the next chapter started, so you won't have to wait NEARLY as long for an update again.

DISCALIMER: I still don't own any of this. Do I really have to mention this _every_ time? Really?

* * *

Revan stood in front of the cells containing her 'friends'. She would have looked menacing if she hadn't been holding an ice pack to her forehead to try to reduce the swelling caused by her self-inflicted wound. She hissed as she adjusted its position so she could better glare at her prisoners that had previously been referred to as her 'friends', but will henceforth be referred to as prisoners, or whatever else they may become.

"Listen up you douchebags! You have two choices: you can either join me on the Dark Side, or you can _not_ join me and be tortured until you do. But I want to torture someone today, so if you all decide to just join me, you're gonna have to, like, draw straws or something." Mission instantly leaned forward and started to wave her hand around wildly in the air while hooting 'Ooh! Ooh!' over and over again. Revan looked around the room confusedly before pointing at Mission hesitantly. "You have a question or something?"

Mission cleared her throat, somehow doing it in a chirpy yet rebellious way, which really doesn't make any sense. "Will you be providing the straws?"

Revan pursed her lips in thought. "Well…I don't have and straws _on_ me at the moment, although there _is_ a dead corpse out in the hall still…I could go splinter one of his bones and whoever picked the biggest splinter would be the loser!"

Mission looked rather disgusted before leaning back to her original sitting position. "Never mind then."

Revan sighed while gingerly pinching the bridge of her nose. "So, who's with me, anyway? This whole conversation, assuming it was going to continue, could have been for naught if some of you don't want to willingly join me." She really stressed the 'willingly' part.

"Well, it's not like we really have a choice, do we?" Carth spat out bitterly.

Revan just shrugged. "No, but at least I'm giving you the _illusion_ of choice." She then proceeded to waggle the fingers of her free hand at them while making cheesy 'wooooo' noises. Realizing that this wasn't the most Sithly thing to do, she quickly ceased the movements and threw in another glare, just to let them know she was serious. "I'm serious, you guys. Carth had a very good point. You _don't_ have a choice." She paused for a moment. "SO! By show of hands, who's going to join me willingly?"

Rather expectedly, or unexpectedly depending on whether or not you were expecting it (although that kind of goes without saying, which leaves most people wondering why it was said), Canderous raised his hand almost instantly. Zaalbar also raised his hand, albeit with much less gusto. He also received an elbow to the ribs courtesy of Mission, a gift that Canderous was not offered.

Zalbaar groaned (or gurgled, or trumpeted, or growled, or however the hell you would describe the sound a Wookie makes) unhappily, which prompted Mission to be even more generous and offer him another elbow to the ribs. It was like Christmas, except painful! Oh, wait…never mind. "Mission, I swore a life debt! Or whatever it's called!" Zaalbar whined.

"It's very uncharacteristic of you to forget the name of an important part of your cultural behaviour." Mission looked up at her friend thoughtfully before shrugging. "Oh well, who really cares! Anyway," She turned her attention back to Revan, who had removed the cold pack from her forehead and was now poking at her wound tentatively. " I'm not joining you! You're evil!"

Revan abruptly swivelled her head to stare at Mission. "So what?" When Mission failed to come up with a witty reply, Revan nodded sagely. "Exactly. So come on!"

Mission chewed on her lip nervously before slowly raising her hand. Revan pumped her fist triumphantly while Carth, Juhani and old man Bindo protested loudly. Revan quickly spun to point at them ominously. "You shut up! It's one of you three that's going to get tortured, so if you want a safe spot, you better say something now!"

Juhani spat angrily. "I'll _never_ turn to the Dark Side!"

Revan raised her eyebrows in mock surprise. "What's this, a case of selective memory? If my recollections are correct-which they _are_-when I first met you, you were quite the little Dark Sider, hmm?"

Juhani crossed her arms grumpily. "It won't happen again! I walk the path of the light now!"

"Psh!" Revan waved a hand at her flippantly. "Yeah yeah, you were lost but then you were found. Whatever. You know you want to feel it again…" Revan slowly walked towards the cell and dropped the tone of her voice down until it was a breathy whisper. "The hatred…the power…the _Twinkies_." She pulled a Twinkie out of one of her many, many bottomless pockets and waved it around in front of the cell while feigning an innocent look. "What? Didn't I mention we have Twinkies?"

Juhani bit her lip and stared at the Twinkie intently. Most people didn't know that Twinkies were like crack to the Cathar people. After arguing with herself out loud about how she didn't need it, and twitching violently all the while, Juhani finally cracked (no pun intended) and, with a primal roar, jumped head first towards the Twinkies. Unfortunately for her, there was still the fully functional barrier up, and she just bounced off it and landed on the floor with a heavy thump, completely unconscious.

Jolee shook his head slowly. "Poor girl had no chance. Well," He turned to Carth and grinned sardonically. "Looks like it's between you and me."

Carth chuckled darkly. "Guess it is."

The both stared at each other for a moment before Jolee broke the moment by turning to face Revan. "Fine. You win. I'm on your side."

Carth sputtered in confusion as a wide smile spread across Revan's face.

"_Excellent_." She then proceeded to cackle madly for a few seconds before suddenly stopping. She motioned towards a driod, which came quickly came to her side. "Grab a few of your buddies and escort those five to their 'quarters'." She paused to look around the room furtively before hunkering in close to the droid. "By that, I mean they each get their own cell until they're indoctrinated."

The droid let out an unhappy buzzing noise. "What do you think this is, Sovereign?"

Revan looked at the bitchy droid in confusion. "What the hell are you talking about?"

The droid was silent for a few minutes before it gave her a can-do beep and buggered off. Revan stood back up from her hunched over position and shook her head. "I'm going to have to destroy _that _one." She waited patiently for the droid to come back with reinforcements, and whistled a jaunty tune. It wasn't long before the droid came back with a bunch of its friends, all of whom were wearing gang colors. Revan smacked herself in the forehead and instantly regretted doing so as the flesh wound in that area still existed. Quite fed up with the way things were turning out, she pointed at the droids. "You guys transfer the blue one, the old one, the tall hairy one, the unconscious and bleeding from the ears one, and the one who isn't wearing an orange jacket. I'll take care of the one who _is_ wearing an orange jacket. Get it?"

One droid flashed her a rather rude sign, and she blew it up with a single bolt of Force Lightening. "So you got it, then?" None of the other droids made a move. "Good. Now get to it!" She lowered the barrier and watched coldly as the others were escorted out of the area. She waited for a few moments after they had turned the corner before turning her attention back to Carth. After quickly glancing around the room, she lowered the barrier and shuffled into the cell, sitting down across from Carth. "Hey, got any smokes?"

He looked at her uncomprehendingly for a moment before shaking his head in either reply or disbelief. "No, I don't have any smokes. You know I don't smoke! Have you ever seen me smoke!?"

"Hey! Settle down there! It was just a question." She crossed her arms and scowled at him moodily. "Geez…I didn't need one anyway. I just felt like lighting it up and putting it out in someone's eye." She shrugged. "I can always do that later, anyway."

Carth sighed and rubbed his face tiredly. "Can you just get whatever you're planning to do over with?"

Revan heaved a mighty sigh. "Look, the only other person I've discussed my plans with is HK, and he doesn't really count what with him being a sadistic assassination droid. I know you're all worried about me destroying the Republic and all, so I'm just going to let you know that that isn't my goal here."

"Oh really?" Carth drawled sarcastically, prompting Revan to give him a sound smack upside the head, to which he protested loudly.

"Shush, you! I don't want to just randomly bomb planets because it destroys resources and kills an assload of people who could either fear me or be forced to work for me. That would just be stupid, which explains why it was pretty much all that Malak did. He was never known to be the sharpest crayon in the box, if you know what I mean." She smiled slightly before continuing. "Anyway, that's neither here nor there. My goal for the moment is…" She paused for dramatic effect. "Destroy all harlequin romance novels in the galaxy!"

Carth stared at her, slack jawed in disbelief. "Come again?"

"Yeah, I know. I'm just doing it to torture Bastila."

Carth stared at her for a while longer. "Wait…so went through all of that-all the pain, and death, and suffering-for nothing?"

Revan furrowed her brows. "I don't understand what you're getting at."

Carth snorted angrily. "We ran around the entire galaxy, fighting Sith after Sith, just so you could become the Dark Lord again with the sole intention of destroying a useless literary genre just to bug Bastila!?"

She just rolled her eyes. "It's not my _only _intention, Carth. Besides, Bastila is already pretty much broken, I just need to completely grind down the pieces into dust, you know? _Then_ I'll take over the galaxy and blah blah blah."

Carth threw his hands up in exasperation. "I can't believe this is really happening!"

"_I_ can't believe it's not butter!" Revan managed to sputter out, despite the fact that her mouth was full of scone. She pointed to the one in her hand, which was buttered and missing a rather large chunk. "You want one?"

Carth opened and closed his mouth several times before any sound came out, which made him look a bit like a fish out of water. "Where the hell did you get that from!?"

Revan sneered. "I'm the Dark Lord of the Sith! If I want a goddamned scone, I get a goddamned scone!" She then proceeded to finish off her scone. "Would you like some tea?" Carth watched in bemusement as Revan opened up a front panel on her Star Forge robes to reveal a handy compartment that contained a small glass teapot at that moment. She pulled it out and swirled it around a bit. "It's good stuff!"

"Okay, that shouldn't work."

Revan shot him an odd look. "Why not? Anyway," She took a sip of tea then added two lumps of sugar after successfully fishing them out of her pockets. "We seem to be getting nowhere here, so I'm just going to torture you until you finally give in and decide to join me."

Carth visibly braced himself and stared straight ahead in a steely fashion. "I'll _never_ join you."

Revan stood up, brushed some crumbs off her robes, and walked out of the cell. "Whatever. Suit yourself, flyboy." She raised the barrier once again and called for a droid. This time it was just a regular one, not a gang model. She pulled out a rectangular black case from the depths of her robes and stared at it reverently. "In this case is the single most _nefarious_ thing ever brought into existence." She slowly opened the case and grimaced at the sight of the object. She quickly shut the case again and looked at the droid sharply. "You're ready?" It gave her an affirmative beep in reply. "Good." Revan opened a small panel on the side of the droid and pressed a few buttons that caused it to transform into a holoprojector. She once again opened the case and removed a small, thin silver disc from it. She held it up to examine the bottom briefly before inserting it into a slot at the bottom of the droid. She turned to Carth with a wicked smile.

He did _not_ have a good feeling about this.

"Well," Revan quickly shut the now empty case and unceremoniously shoved it back into her pocket. "Let the torture commence." The droid quickly booted up and began to play the disc. Carth watched with a rapidly growing feeling of dread and discontent. Revan smiled cruelly. "I hope you like High School Musical, because it's all you're going to see and hear for a _long_ time."

Revan's villainous cackle could barely be heard over Carth's horrified screams.

* * *

Will Carth managed to resist the horrific torture that is High School Musical, or will he finally succumb and join Revan? Find out next time! Dun dun DUUUUN!


	6. I DunnoStuff Happens

Yeah, so I've been working on this chapter (intermittently, of course) for that last...um...too many months to mention without feeling really, really bad, and I figured it was time to finish it up and post it. Ha ha ha. Ha. So funny. Ha.

So enjoy it and stuff. Because I said to. :3

I also suck at proof reading my own stuff, so feel free to point out any mistakes. And feel free to review. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, and helps to remind me that I need to keep making shit up for this. So, yeah. Once again, ha ha ha.

My GOD you people are patient...

* * *

Revan sat in the Star Forge control room, which Malak had decided to paint a bright pink, and flipped through an old photo album. She sighed and ran a finger wistfully over an older photo, a small smile on her face. HK was not amused.

"Query: Master, what are you doing? There's a war going on outside and you're just sitting there, looking at photos!"

"Yeah." Revan sighed. "It's nice ambient sound, though. All the whooshing and crashing and exploding and…wait a minute. There's no sound in space!" Revan gave HK a dead look. "The sound is a lie!"

HK was silent for a moment. "Statement: I'm going to go check on the orange meatbag, Master."

"Yeah, you go do that." Revan waved a hand at him in irritation. "You're interrupting my reminiscing." HK quickly left Revan to herself. "Ah, those were the good old days, eh Malak?" She looked over at his corpse, which was starting to attract flies. "Yeah, they were the good days. Heh…remember that one time when-"

WAVY SEPIA FLASHBACK TIME!!

Revan stood triumphantly at the helm of the Star Forge. "I am now the Dark Lord of the Sith!"

Malak came and stood beside her. "And I am your apprentice!"

Revan was completely still for a moment. "Hey, Malak, can you bend down a bit for me please?"

Malak seemed a bit taken aback, but complied. "What is it, master?" It was at that point that Revan, Dark Lord of the Sith, gave him the nastiest bitchslap in the history of bitchslapping. Malak lost his balance and fell down the conveniently placed staircase that just so happened to be right behind him. He laid in a bloody heap at the bottom, groaning in pain.

"That's what you get for standing at the same level I'm standing on!" Revan barked angrily over her shoulder, then gazed out the large view screen in front of her. "Ahh…this is great, isn't it?"

"Wonderful, master." Malak choked out as he was being carried to the infirmary by a couple of medic droids. "Just wonderful. One day, I shall kill you, and it is the knowledge that that day will come that keeps me going."

Revan laughed jovially. "You sure are silly, you ungrateful worm!"

END FLASHBACK!!

Revan chuckled under her breath. "If only you were still alive to be pushed down the stairs again." She flipped the page. "Hey! I remember when this happened!"

WAVY SEPIA FLASHBACK!!

Malak sat in the dentist's chair and stared blankly at the metallic ceiling. "Why is everything in this stupid forge made of metal?"

"Because yurts made of bantha shit and hay don't fare very well in space." Revan replied sarcastically.

"…oooooh."

Revan slapped her forehead as she looked around for the dentist. "He has to be here somewhere. I'm going to go look, okay?" Malak just nodded. "You're going to be okay here by yourself, right little guy?"

"I'm about three feet taller than you are." Malak replied bitterly. Revan just tittered and patted him on the head.

"You're silly, you worm! I'll be riiiight back." Revan left the room and wandered along until she found the dentist sitting in the lunchroom, hitting on a hot dental assistant. He was in the middle of telling her some boring, most likely racist joke when Revan snapped the woman's neck using the Force. "Look Casanova, my apprentice has been bitching about a toothache, and I want you to fix it. Now. Do you know how bad it looks when the Dark Lord of the Sith's apprentice is whining because of a toothache!?"

The dentist cowered in the corner! "Yes, my lord! Right away my lord!"

"Look…just do me a favor, would you?"

The dentist regarded her warily. "…what is it?"

Revan walked over to him, forced him to stand straight, and put an arm around his shoulders. "He's been complaining about a tooth in this general area, okay?" She motioned towards the bottom right half of her jaw. The dentist nodded in understanding. " Right. See, I don't want him whining about that anymore. So, I was thinking that, instead of just treating the symptom, you should solve the problem. Sounds logical, right?"

The dentist narrowed his eyes at her. "What's you point?"

"Welllllll…" Revan let go of him and took a few steps away. "I was thinking that, sure, he just has an issue with one tooth right now, but who's to say that it'll only ever be that one tooth?"

"He might have issues later on with other teeth." The man agreed cautiously. Revan clapped her hands noisily.

"Exactly! So, instead of just helping out with this one tooth, I think we should address the big problem here and just _remove everything_ there." She motioned towards her bottom jaw again. The dentist blinked.

"So…you want me to pull all his teeth?"

"NO nono no no. No. No." She shook her head and sighed. "You're not getting what I'm saying. You should remove EVERYTHING. Get it? _Everything_."

"Everything?"

Revan nodded sagely. "Yes. _Everything_."

The dentist swallowed hard. "All of it?"

"Yes. All of it."

He wiped the nervous sweat off his forehead. "But…we can't do that just because of one tooth!"

"Look buddy, it's either you do it, or I do it after killing you."

"Okay I'll do it!" The man replied quickly, his left eye twitching. Revan smiled broadly, but nobody knew because of that mask she always wore.

"Perfect! I'll just be in the waiting room eating caviar and deciding which orphanage to destroy next." With that, she sat down in the waiting room. There were many unpleasant sounds in the next hour, and Malak's horrified scream punctuated the end of them. Revan sighed happily and put down the copy of _Sith_ _Lords_ _Quarterly_ she was leafing through. "Sounds like it's all done!" She got up and wandered in to the room. The floor under the chair was slick with blood, a nurse was heaving over a garbage can in the far corner, and the dentist had been killed by Malak. Revan clapped happily. "They even gave you a metal apparatus to put there in place of your horribly defective jaw I had them remove! You're one lucky sunuvabitch, you know that?"

Malak just screamed, except now it was all metallic sounding. Neat.

END OF FLASHBACK

Revan chuckled. "That was funny. I wonder what they did with your stupid jaw? Eh, no matter." She turned to the next page, which held a picture of her using Malak's jawbone in a game of horseshoes. "Oh. That's what happened to it. I think I won that one too." She heaved a mighty sigh before chucking the photo album onto the floor. "Eh, enough of this shit. I've got a galaxy to conquer and books to destroy!" She quickly got to her feet and rubbed her hands together excitedly. "First order of business- let's check on Carth!" She flounced down the ramp and out the door as merrily as a child on Christmas morn. Sith soldiers watched her with mixed reactions as she pranced by. The ones who laughed were quickly chopped in half by her lightsaber as she made her way merrily past them, a maniacal grin plastered on her face. The smart ones gave her a crisp salute. The stupid ones died. She eventually made her way to the cell block, leaving a path of bisected bodies in her wake for the droids to clean up. She eyed the torture droid warily as it continued to play High School Musical.

"Droid! Shut that crap off!" The droid reacted instantly to Revan's angry bark, and quickly made its way to the back corner of the room. Revan sauntered up to the cell and peered in to see Carth huddled in the farthest corner from the door, his hands covering his ears tightly as he rocked back and forth, muttering a random string of words under his breath. Revan bit her lip. "Uh oh. I think we broke him for _serious_."

Suddenly aware that the torturous music had stopped, Carth uncovered his ears and looked over at Revan. His face was a sickly, chalky white, there were dark bags under his eyes, and he had a haggard yet feral look about him. He stared at her with dull eyes, his head cocked to one side. "The noise…you made it stop…"

Revan lowered the energy barrier and slowly entered the cell. "Yes Carth. I did." She could feel his suffering, echoing through the small cell. It was tainted with a bitter insanity. The type of bitter that would go well with the sharp taste of cheddar cheese. Revan made a mental note to have some cheese after she was finished with her current task, and knelt down beside Carth. "It was horrible, I know. But now it's _over_." She placed a hand gently on his shoulder. "And you never have to see it again…if you _join_ _me_."

Poor Carth, who had endured so much pain in that little cell, broke down and began to sob. Revan pulled him towards her and held him close as she stroked his hair gently. "Shh, shh…it's okay now, Carth. You did the right thing. Here, have a Twinkie." She pulled the delicious snack out of her pocket and handed to Carth. "Even though eating it will just make you feel like one of those fat, spandex and wig wearing trailer trash bimbos who's banging their cousin who is, in turn, banging their mother- or any other typical stereotype you'd find on the Jerry Springer Show-…um…I forget where I was going with that." She grabbed Carth by the shoulders and held him at arms length, and looked him over. "My god, you look like _shit_. What happened?? Oh, yeah. Nevermind." She let him go and slapped him across the face.

"OW!" He recoiled and held his cheek gingerly. "What the hell was that for?"

Revan shrugged. "I just felt like it, I guess. Eat your Twinkie."

Frowning, Carth unwrapped the Twinkie and nibbled on it cautiously as he watched Revan suspiciously. She smiled widely and clapped him on the shoulder.

"See? You're already back to your old self!" She laughed, sounding more than slightly maniacal in the process, and suddenly stood up. "So are you going to stop being a stubborn asshole and join me, or what?"

Carth mumbled under his breath and grit his teeth. He grumbled and agonized. He tittered and groaned. He ate the Twinkie. Revan tapped her foot angrily. Finally, after waiting for what she deemed long enough, Revan subtly waved a hand at him and looked at the wall innocently while mumbling, "Yeah, you think that'd be an awesome idea."

Carth blinked dumbly for a minute. "Yeah, I think that'd be an awesome idea." He droned back, fully under the control of Revan's force persuade. She smiled evilly.

"And you want to help paint the control room. Honestly, I don't know why Malak would want to paint it bright fucking pink." Revan crinkled her nose in distaste.

Carth's head tilted slightly to the left. "And I want to help paint the control room. Honestly, you don't know why Malak would want to paint it bright fucking pink."

Revan looked at Carth sharply. "Stop copying me."

Carth began to drool slightly. "Stop copying you."

"No, seriously. Stop copying me."

He blinked slowly. "No, seriously. Stop copying you."

"I'm serious! Stop that!"

Carth slumped over. "You're serious! Stop that!"

Revan slapped him across the face again. "OW! Damnit!" He rubbed his cheek ruefully. "What the hell was _that_ for??"

"I used force persuade and you got stuck on repeat. That's just how awesome I am." Revan grinned with pride. "Anyway, I have you agreeing to join the Sith, so that's that."

"Whoah, wait…what??" Carth sputtered angrily and flailed a bit. "No way! I don't believe you!"

Revan shrugged. "Like I said, I have it recorded."

Carth cocked an eyebrow. "Well then, let me hear it."

"No."

He sputtered again. "Why the hell not!?"

"Because I'm the Dark Lord of the Sith, _that's_ why the hell not." She crossed her arms and glared down at him. "Anyway, the plan begins once I come up with it. I'll notify you when that happens."

"Wait…you don't even have this planned out yet? What are you even talking about??"

Revan paused for a moment. "Yeah, I'll tell once I figure that out, too. Anyway, I'm off to do evil Sith stuff, and…you know…stuff." She stood there and looked around the cell awkwardly before suddenly turning around and leaving without another word. She made her way back to the control room and sat down in the chair once again. Resting her chin in the palm of her hand, she proceeded to glare out the large viewing window (which probably increased the value of the Forge immensely, if she ever decided to put it up for sale). After few minutes of this, she laid on the floor at stared moodily at the ceiling. When that didn't help anything, she called for HK.

"Query: Did you need something killed, Master?" The droid asked cheerily as it tromped into the room.

"Note to self: When fabricating next assassin droid, actually make it quiet. Like a ninja droid. Wait…just make a ninja droid next time." She sat up and looked at HK despondently. "I need help, HK. I need a plan to get all the harlequin romance novels, but as the Dark Lord of the Sith, I'm far too important to think of such lowly, lowly plans. So you make one up for me. Okay…go!"

HK was silent for a moment. "Statement: Perhaps you should just kill all the meat bags."

"Eh, I thought of that, but it would kind of detract from the reaction I'm looking for if everyone is dead. Dead people don't react, they rot. Two very different concepts there. Not very subtle, either. Besides, I don't want to use the same plan as Malak. That's just stupid. You're stupid. Process harder, damnit!"

HK stood, quietly whirring, for a moment. "Statement: Master, I am an assassin droid. Perhaps it would be best to ask someone else regarding things that do not involve blasting meatbags."

"Hmm…you're right. Fetch me a Bastila." She dismissed HK with an impatient wave. "And just for the record, I'm perfectly capable of blasting meatbags without your help, thank you very much!" She called after him, huffing. "Damn bitchy droid…best thing I ever built."

Revan spent a few minutes of lazily waving around her lightsaber while making "shwoom" noises while waiting for HK to return with a Bastila in tow, which is exactly what he did. Bastila was looking marginally better; she was no longer writing crappy poetry, she had her hair cut so it was no longer hanging in her eyes, and Revan couldn't smell her from across the room, so she must have showered. Yep, things were looking up for Bastila Shan.

"You wanted to see me, Master?" Bastila asked, enunciating her words clearly. Revan would have been impressed if she wasn't so damn busy hating Bastila's guts.

"Um, yeah. I want to you to come with a plan to help me destroy every harlequin novel in the universe. Or galaxy. Whatever."

"WHAT!?" Bastila shrieked like a banshee right out of hell. "You can't do that! What's the point!?"

"Hmm?" Revan looked up from examining her nails. She dropped the bucket of nails to the floor and crossed her legs daintily, taking pleasure in the light plinking noises the nails made as they bounced across the floor. "Oh, well, I'm doing it to break Bas…ti…you know what, never mind." She looked around the room nervously and cleared her throat. "Maybe asking you for help wasn't the best idea. Yeah…you can go die in a hole somewhere now."

"I KNEW IT!" Bastila declared angrily, pointing at Revan accusingly. "So there WAS a conspiracy all along!"

Revan laughed nervously. "Wha-what are you talking about, Bastila? Have you forgotten to take your medication again? Heh heh…" She gave HK a dark look, and he quickly grabbed Bastila and began to drag her towards the door.

"You aren't going to get away with this!!" Bastila screamed back.

"Yeah, actually, I am!!" Revan retorted rather lamely. "Because I'm cool, and you're just insane! Yeah! What do you think about _that_, eh?! Heh. I burned her _good_." She listened as Bastila's incensed screamed reverberated through the spacious halls of the Star Forge. "Oooh, _spooky_. I should record that and play it on Halloween. That would totally set the mood." She paused for a moment. "While on the subject of recording…hey HK! Come back here after you finished throwing her down some never-ending pit or whatever you're doing!" This time while she was waiting she thought of what color to use in the control room to paint over the damn pink that Malak has put _everywhere_. Really. It was _disgusting_. Seriously. She decided that painting it black would be fitting, if not a little cliché. Besides, she could always change it later. HK shuffled back into the room.

"Query: What is it _now_, Master?"

"I need you to imitate Carth's voice so I can record it. I need you to say…uh…well, I don't remember exactly what I made him say, so just say 'I will join the Sith' or something."

"Statement: I'll get right on that, Master."

"Yeah, you do that." Revan clucked her tongue angrily and stared out the view port thingy window thing at the star below. "Hm…maybe I shouldn't be staring at the bright burning object there…meh. Oh well." She 'hmm'd and 'haw'd softly to herself for a bit before getting bored and wandering off to find some people to kill to take her mind off the fact that she was a horrible procrastinator.

No matter. She would deal with that later.


End file.
